It’s not always lightness

I don’t like talking about being sad. Because the more attention you give something, the more substantial it becomes. I also like to think that I’m a positive person.

I’m not saying you should just brush everything under the carpet. This is why I’ve turned to my blog. I don’t like talking about being sad to my friends. It’s not a good conversation to have is it?! For me, talking about it on a blog post is far more effective because I’m not “off loading” to anyone, I’m just getting my thoughts and feelings outs of my head. It doesn’t matter how many people see it.

I’m not here for the stats! I’m here for my sanity. Blogging has really helped me accept things. Accept my KTS, my bouts of depression.

I don’t like to say I’ve got depression, because I don’t feel like I do have it all the time.

I may be on anti depressants but that doesn’t mean I am depressed.

I’ve thought about coming off them, but to be perfectly honest I’m terrified about what mental state I’ll be in afterwards. I suppose that’s why I’m a bit uppity about taking painkillers. Because I don’t want to rely on them. I don’t want them to become a regularity like my anti depressants are.

Also, conventional medicine= side effects= even more medicine.

I do feel depressed on my period. I feel very sad. And I say stupid things without thinking it through. It’s horrible. My periods were a lot worse mentally when I wasn’t taking anti depressants. I would spend days feeling shit; often not leaving the house.

If there wasn’t sadness we wouldn’t know happy. It’s normal to feel sad. I’ve learnt to feel the emotion and ride it out. Acknowledge that it’s there.

This too shall pass.

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I am not boring, just tired AF

Currently I am lying in bed, it’s half 9, and I can hear my family downstairs laughing and joking…. why am I not with them? Because I’m tired.

Is it just me or for a period of time, you’re tired 99% of the day😩. I want do things but I can barely concentrate because I’m knackered… the gym is about the only thing I can do at the moment- that and dog walks. To be fair it’s probably the 10k training which had added to my tiredness! It’s so annoying because I definitely feel that it puts a strain on friendships, and one of the reasons my last relationship fell apart! Sometimes I feel like wearing a t-shirt saying

“I am not boring, just tired AF”

All my life, I’ve always been the sleepy one. The one who has naps and lie ins, who can fall asleep anywhere.

It’s such a catch 22 because I want to be chasing after my dreams and living life to the fullest… but the reality of it is, I have to be careful; I unfortunately can’t be as spontaneous as I want to- I have to plan things and have rest days.

1 weekend I am busy, the other I chill out.

It’s so annoying because I don’t like to miss out on anything but if I were to do everything I’ve been invited to and wanted to do, I would end up worn out and poorly.

It’s soooo frustrating. And I am just as upset as you are that I can’t go shopping with you today or go for that catch up we’ve been meaning to have.

In my natural habitat, the sofa, cuddling one of my gorgeous doggies. Wearing the most used item in my wardrobe – the snuggliest top ever!
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Reality checks in

I am slowly coming to terms-after 24 years- that I can’t do what everyone else does. It’s taken me this long and I still think I’m slightly in denial.

My head is a constant argument between an ideologist and a realist.

The ideologist wants  to go to work a full time job, go to the gym in the evenings then see friends and family at the weekend.

“Oh if only it was that easy!” the realist laughs…

“But it SHOULD be easy!” ideology snaps back, “That’s what your friends do, so you can do it too”

“They didn’t have an infection in their leg and have to go to hospital 3 times this week for iv medication.” Realism says sternly with raised eyebrows.

*Ideology checking out*