It’s not always lightness

I don’t like talking about being sad. Because the more attention you give something, the more substantial it becomes. I also like to think that I’m a positive person.

I’m not saying you should just brush everything under the carpet. This is why I’ve turned to my blog. I don’t like talking about being sad to my friends. It’s not a good conversation to have is it?! For me, talking about it on a blog post is far more effective because I’m not “off loading” to anyone, I’m just getting my thoughts and feelings outs of my head. It doesn’t matter how many people see it.

I’m not here for the stats! I’m here for my sanity. Blogging has really helped me accept things. Accept my KTS, my bouts of depression.

I don’t like to say I’ve got depression, because I don’t feel like I do have it all the time.

I may be on anti depressants but that doesn’t mean I am depressed.

I’ve thought about coming off them, but to be perfectly honest I’m terrified about what mental state I’ll be in afterwards. I suppose that’s why I’m a bit uppity about taking painkillers. Because I don’t want to rely on them. I don’t want them to become a regularity like my anti depressants are.

Also, conventional medicine= side effects= even more medicine.

I do feel depressed on my period. I feel very sad. And I say stupid things without thinking it through. It’s horrible. My periods were a lot worse mentally when I wasn’t taking anti depressants. I would spend days feeling shit; often not leaving the house.

If there wasn’t sadness we wouldn’t know happy. It’s normal to feel sad. I’ve learnt to feel the emotion and ride it out. Acknowledge that it’s there.

This too shall pass.

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I am not boring, just tired AF

Currently I am lying in bed, it’s half 9, and I can hear my family downstairs laughing and joking…. why am I not with them? Because I’m tired.

Is it just me or for a period of time, you’re tired 99% of the day😩. I want do things but I can barely concentrate because I’m knackered… the gym is about the only thing I can do at the moment- that and dog walks. To be fair it’s probably the 10k training which had added to my tiredness! It’s so annoying because I definitely feel that it puts a strain on friendships, and one of the reasons my last relationship fell apart! Sometimes I feel like wearing a t-shirt saying

“I am not boring, just tired AF”

All my life, I’ve always been the sleepy one. The one who has naps and lie ins, who can fall asleep anywhere.

It’s such a catch 22 because I want to be chasing after my dreams and living life to the fullest… but the reality of it is, I have to be careful; I unfortunately can’t be as spontaneous as I want to- I have to plan things and have rest days.

1 weekend I am busy, the other I chill out.

It’s so annoying because I don’t like to miss out on anything but if I were to do everything I’ve been invited to and wanted to do, I would end up worn out and poorly.

It’s soooo frustrating. And I am just as upset as you are that I can’t go shopping with you today or go for that catch up we’ve been meaning to have.

In my natural habitat, the sofa, cuddling one of my gorgeous doggies. Wearing the most used item in my wardrobe – the snuggliest top ever!

Smiling when I’m sad

I’m fine 🙂; I’M FINE 😡

This is a bad day.

Depression has been creeping up on me and made a lovely appearance this morning.

I’m fine; I’M FINE – this has been me for the last couple of months. I’ve been seeing my friends, going to the gym, going to work. I’ve been treading water.

Yes I have done lots of things to move forwards and get myself better, but today epitomised depression’s grasp on me.

I was driving to work and I wasn’t concentrating on the road. I was balling my eyes out and had to pull over. I rang work and told them I couldn’t come in. Then I was ridiculously anxious about pulling out into the traffic to go home. Mum had to pick me up.

You may wonder- Why does she feel this way?

I’ve had depression for four years, and I went through a difficult patch in my teens, when I was about 17 too.

Sometimes you just feel shit and you don’t know why.

For me, I find that significant changes in my life can trigger it. It could be from being ill, getting frustrated with my body because it cant always do what a normal body does as often. Or it could be something like a change of living arrangements.

This time it was a number of things…

  • I came back in March after 2 months of travelling.
  • After a few weeks of being a couch potato, I started doing bar work whilst applying for other jobs – however bar work was taking its toll on my KTS leg.
  • In May, I broke up with my boyfriend.
  • Also in May, I got very poorly from cellulitis.
  • In June I started a new job.

Now it’s like all those months of changes have finally caught up with my head and I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and sad.

So I went to see the doc – she said that I wasn’t fit for work today…and to relax and do something like taking the dogs out. She also recommended counselling (which I’ve done before)
and upping my anti-depressants.

Counselling I’m 100% up for, yet more anti depressants? Not so keen. I’m very anxious about falling into the anti-depressant trap.

I’ve been so determined to sort myself out that I’ve been pushing how I really feel to the back of my head, and now it’s surfacing. The doctor said this to me and she said that maybe I should’ve accepted I needed help sooner.

Fake it ’til you feel it

  • It’s okay to accept help. It doesn’t make you any less of a person or weaker. It takes strength to admit that something is not quite right.
  • If I’m smiling and looking like I’m enjoying myself it’s me trying to do exactly that. I’ve had the mentality fake it til you feel it if that makes sense. That whole idea of smiling when you’re sad and eventually you’ll feel better is an ethos I’ve been living by. It’s scientifically proven that smiling boosts serotonin. Also exercise does this too.

Which is what I’ve been doing. But this week, I’ve been exhausted, waking up tired (well I’ve been like that for a while) and coming home ready for bed. I had to give the gym a little break.

The other niggles for me is the state of my room. I haven’t properly sorted through everything since I left uni. So in affect my room has accumulated 4 years worth of stuff from my uni days. This isn’t good Feng Shui (something I really do believe in) . I have attempted to clear it, but I only got so far and then distracted.

So plan?

🌞get counselling arranged
🌞keep up the gym
🌞gut my room (do a little bit every day- a bag a day keeps the doctor away haha- stepping stones!!!)
🌞keep seeing my friends
🌞accept help from loved ones
🌞Mull over going on a higher dosage of ADs

G▫️👣

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Reality checks in

I am slowly coming to terms-after 24 years- that I can’t do what everyone else does. It’s taken me this long and I still think I’m slightly in denial.

My head is a constant argument between an ideologist and a realist.

The ideologist wants  to go to work a full time job, go to the gym in the evenings then see friends and family at the weekend.

“Oh if only it was that easy!” the realist laughs…

“But it SHOULD be easy!” ideology snaps back, “That’s what your friends do, so you can do it too”

“They didn’t have an infection in their leg and have to go to hospital 3 times this week for iv medication.” Realism says sternly with raised eyebrows.

*Ideology checking out*